(originally written 2/16/09)

Sitting at my computer tonight listening to “Wide-eyed” by Nichole Nordeman, wondering the same thing she expresses in that song – if I had been there “back in the day” would I have sat listening to Jesus, and casually dismissed him as a fraud, or would I have been wide-eyed at the realization I was staring at the image of God? And how would that have changed me and impacted the ways I deal with woundedness?

I found myself revisiting old heart-pain today, wondering how much hurt does the body of Christ have to inflict upon each other (forget the world – we do it so well within our own circles) until the mountains cry out “no more!” Prayers to let these wounds from the past 2 years go didn’t seem to have a releasing effect. And introspection revealed I was working hard at denying the hurt that was still inside which, when someone or something barely touches it, causes the wound to gape open again; my heart bleeds out, and in a panic I try to bandage it back up. Maybe it just needs to bleed. Maybe tears just need to overcome me until I’m awash in a flood of liquid anguish.

There’s no answer. There’s no closure. Thank God for time because these feelings don’t come as often, but when they do, it’s too painful to write about even.

Dearest God you are the one true God… I want to sit wide-eyed and listen to you, hear your voice, experience your love, and not give a care of what the rest of “Christianity” does. I want to find myself staring at you and becoming overwhelmed with the truth of your power, amazed at your God-ness, filled with the power of your Spirit. Take this pain and turn it into something glorious that heals people for you. Take my broken bleeding heart and transform it into the most beautiful softness that looks like your love. Take my flood-producing tears and use them to flow living water into the lives of others.

And I will sit wide-eyed, amazed at you, the God-man, and fall in love with you all over again.

(originally written 11/9/09)

Grief is on my mind a lot lately – not just because I work at a hospice as a grief counselor, but because the more I learn about grief, the more I realize how much I have been grieving over some life losses, and how much others are affected by loss.

As a counselor in private practice, working for hospice has helped me be a better counselor. I’ve come to realize how deeply many of the issues folks struggle with involve loss. It may be death loss or it may be other losses – jobs, finances, divorce, rejection, abandonment, trauma, love withheld, bullying, abuse, isolation by others, health issues, negative relationship patterns, and the list goes on.

In my own life I’ve suffered, endured, and come through some pretty major losses. And the more those losses have gone invalidated not only by others, but most importantly by myself, the deeper the pain has been.

Even pastors and therapists who may be well-meaning, can be instruments of invalidation and their judgments and analysis wound us deeper and take us further into grief.

Tonight I’m realizing how far I’ve come, and looking back over this rocky bumpy life-shattering field I’ve come through, I know I’ve still got a ways to go. Grief is a response to loss, and loss takes a lifetime to heal; the wounds inside my heart don’t heal easily… it takes time, and when another wound occurs on top of one that isn’t quite healed yet, they both are opened and raw and the process starts all over again.

The good about the losses is I’ve gotten to know God in new ways… I’m not the same person I used to be. I take life more seriously now. I don’t tolerate ingenuineness or inauthenticity. I reject religiosity and avoid the fake faith of what seems to be prevalent in many churches. I’ve renounced the pathetic denominational dogmas that leave wounded people lying in the dust hoping and waiting for a Good Samaritan to come along and lovingly care for their wounds and provide the safe place to stay during the healing process.

It is to those Good Samaritans who have been few and yet have gone beyond what anyone else has done, that I send thanks up to God each and every day. You are the ones who stuck with me through thick and thin, who dropped off groceries and sent money for gas, who prayed me through almost losing my home, who saved my journals and loved me in the darkest days, who nonjudgmentally listened to me raving for months on end, understanding that venting helped me process the life-destroying events that would have killed me if not for you….oh so many myriad of ways you were there for me, without me ever asking you to be.

I have come to know God through these losses — because He is good, even in the midst of deep pain. He does not make robots, but he lets everyone choose how they want to live and treat others. I don’t see him in the eyes of those who have caused loss, but I see Him in the hearts, actions, and hands of the Good Samaritans, and I only hope and pray I am the same for others who I come across lying in the dust of their losses.

(originally written 11/15/09)

Two years ago I invited some special friends over to celebrate turning 50. We enjoyed a nice dinner, and afterwards sat around visiting. To mark the significance of this milestone, I thought it would be fun for us to come up with 50 things about God that bring us joy, so we passed around a sheet of paper numbered 1-50 and wrote (without duplicating) those things about God, or about what He does, that touch us deeply. This list was then turned into a bookmark as a reminder to each of us how God works and blesses and loves us in big and little ways.

Two years later, I still have that bookmark and tonight, looking over all those truths, they are still true, and will be forever, because that is who God is. So I thought it would be fun to share this list with you, and perhaps you might like to make your own list, with some of your special friends, and see the meaningful ways the Lord has touched all of you. Most of all, I hope this list will bring you some joy… and I’ve added two more items to the list in celebration of my birthday this week .

1. He knows my name
2. He is faithful
3. He never lies
4. He loves me just because
5. The beauty of the seasons
6. Health
7. God accepts me as I am
8. He’s always there
9. He is the author of peace
10. He’s the comforter
11. He’s the great physician
12. He’s the Prince of peace
13. He’s the Counselor
14. He thinks I’m special
15. He thinks I’m beautiful
16. His love never ends
17. He answers me
18. He is our refuge
19. He has great plans for me
20. His grace has set me free
21. He chose me
22. He wants to spend time with me
23. He created you!
24. He is with me until the end of time
25. He is 100% dependable
26. He is my Beloved
27. He is my hiding place
28. He knows my heart
29. He is the creator of beauty
30. He hears me
31. He is my Bridegroom
32. He’s my friend
33. He provides for me
34. He is music
35. He never abandons me
36. Thoughts of heaven
37. His Son, Jesus
38. He created dogs
39. He is bigger than any problems
40. He understands my weakness
41. He has a sense of humor
42. He’s preparing a place for me
43. He is patient with me
44. He protects me
45. He is beautiful
46. He is love
47. He watches over me
48. He enjoys me
49. He made rainbows
50. He is persistent
51. He forgives
52. He heals

(originally written 12/31/09)

This new year resolve to forgive others whether or not they ask for forgiveness, recognizing that we are all wounded, and that forgiving means we can be free to move forward and they can be free to work through their own issues.

This new year resolve to treat others with respect and dignity, recognizing that all human beings are made in the image of their Creator, and therefore are unique and valuable individuals.

This new year resolve to show appreciation, even when no one else is watching, because hearing “thank you” can lift another’s spirit, and saying “thank you” will definitely lift your own.

This new year resolve to look for the positives in difficult situations, because regardless of what is happening, there is always something good there if we look hard enough.

This new year resolve to be kind, recognizing that one kind word or deed can make a difference between hope and despair, and you may not ever realize the extent to which another person’s soul is impacted by your kindness.

This new year resolve to have boundaries, because in so doing we free others to be able to be themselves, and we free ourselves so we can love from our hearts.

This new year resolve to be yourself, because no one else on the planet is like you, and you are a gift from God, and you don’t have to change anything to be okay.

(originally written 2/17/10)

it has taken
3 years
36 months
1095 days
26,280 hours
1,576,800 minutes
to work through the traumatic grief
of a Significant Wound
that occurred
02/20/07.
I am not the same person I was before that date.
I am changed
for better and for worse
I have found out who
my true friends and family are
and I have discovered things about people
I wish I never knew.
I guess you could say
Significant Loss takes its toll
You get to swallow the red pill
And see what’s really underneath the matrix
and as painful as that is,
it is good.

(originally written 5/2/10)

I was at the check-out at the grocery store today and observed an interesting reminder that we are all on the same level, and nobody is better or worse than anyone else.

There were 2 women ahead of me – the one directly in front of me was older nicely dressed, and at one point as we were waiting turned and looked at me, rolling her eyes and smiling, as if to say “here we go.” I didn’t know what was going on, so smiled back, then started taking notice of the woman at the head of the line who was trying to pay for her groceries. She was much younger than the other woman, and the manager had been called over due to a problem with her check. As the situation unfolded, it became evident she had food stamps and a WIC check, and for some reason there was a glitch and her payment was not being accepted by the machine. My heart went out to her because it was only a matter of $6, and I could only imagine how embarrassed she was not only because of the problem but because it drew attention to her use of food stamps.

The lady directly ahead of me turned again to smile at me as if to find a common thread of frustration between us, however I did not make eye contact. The apparent impatience she was starting to exhibit seemed inappropriate in light of the woman who had gone through such humiliation.

After both women had left the store, and the cashier was ringing me up, the first woman came back looking for her car keys – she thought she had left them on the counter, but they were nowhere to be found. She then realized she had put them in her pocket and left the store. A few moments passed and the second lady, the one who had rolled her eyes about the first woman, came back with the same anxiety, fearful she had left her car keys and unable to locate them. I found this to be humorous – two women, two different ages, two different walks of life, two different financial situations, and yet they both experienced the loss of their car keys in the same way. It was as though God was setting things right in the universe, ensuring that regardless of everything else, the playing field stayed on an equal level. Bottom line, we all lose our keys, have financial embarrassments, and none of us is better than anyone else.

(originally written 9/4/11)

sitting here tonight processing how difficult it is to go to church.  when the bottom fell out of my life in 2007 it changed me forever and I can’t get back the “me” I was, and the love I used to have going to worship services.  I realize it’s not about people, it’s about God, but when the wounds are so deep and caused by people in church leadership and then circumstances become so intolerable and traumatizing with virtually no resources and you are alone so utterly beyond you ever thought you ever would be in your entire life…it changes you…it changes you on a cellular level I think.  Today I have more joy than I ever thought possible in my life…and yet still the ability to be fully immersed in a community of believers is virtually impossible to touch let alone step into.  It’s a different kind of loss, a different kind of grief, a different kind of trauma, and there is a smidgen of me that thinks back to the “old days” and misses it, and yet I wonder now if it was ever truly real, or if it was just a form of something that looked good and felt good but in reality wasn’t real at all, because if it was, then what happened never would have been tolerated, and shunning wouldn’t have been the norm, and unrighteousness would have been confronted instead of finding a scapegoat so it could continue on as if nothing happened.  I have healed so much since then….over these past 4-1/2 years…and yet still the sorrow comes in at times.  I’m so glad God is nothing like the pain or those involved…he has been with me holding me, helping me, redeeming my life in so many remarkable and miraculous ways.  It’s just this one thing that he has not healed yet.  so tonight processing all of this and a friend posts a song…which leads me to another song…and it’s Him reminding me that it’s His love – so so so much love – beyond anything I can or ever will fully understand or comprehend, and that is the reality, not people or memories or even the sorrow that goes so deep.  His love touches that sorrow, holds it gently in both of his hands, lovingly breathing more life and healing into it, and I am peaceful again…no need to process any more…all is well… I am still and quiet and his love is wrapped around me like a soft quilt made just for me, with everything that matters to me woven through it…oh how he loves me…oh how he loves us all… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps&feature=youtu.be