Beth Bolthouse, MA, MS, LPC

How can we have guilt-free happiness? How do we get away from all the regrets from years ago and not give in to debilitating feelings of guilt today?

First of all, it’s important to distinguish between guilt and false guilt. Feelings of guilt are normal and appropriate when we have done something to harm or hurt another person (whether intentionally or not).  When we recognize that we have mistreated another person, guilt helps us realize what we’ve done and gives us a choice to seek amends and make things right.  Sometimes we are not aware of hurting someone else, so if we realize it at a later time, then we may need to talk with them, apologize and do what we can to try to heal or restore what we are responsible for in the relationship or situation.

The reality is, however, most of the time when we feel guilt about something it is not the result of hurting or harming someone else.  If we’re honest with ourselves, we tend to feel guilty for not cooking a better dinner for our family, or for being goofy around friends instead of more mature, or not doing more to help make others happy.  The reality is, MOST of the guilt we feel is false guilt. 

False guilt leads us down the spiral of negative thinking, self-condemnation, and takes us into rabbit holes of insecurity, self-doubt and it can be hard to find our way back to what is truthful.

So what do we do with the false guilt?  How do we stay out of the negative spiral?  First of all, it’s important to identify it as REGRET.  Regret is about wishing something had been different, or we could have done more, or things had gone better (James, J. & Friedman, R. 2017. The Grief Recovery Handbook. William Morrow Publishing.)  Recognizing false guilt as regret gives us an opportunity to look at a situation, or recall memories, or identify our or another person’s role in the context of what we wish something had been. 

For example: “I remember my mother made one of my favorite meals for my birthday and went all out to make it a special day. But I was late so by the time I got home for dinner everything was cold. I should have been there sooner.  I feel so guilty for letting her down.” 

What is the emotion you feel?

That type of statement does two things:  First, it takes me into shame by using the “should” word; and it takes the focus of the loving way she remembered my birthday by focusing on my guilt. Neither of these responses is healthy nor do they enable us to enjoy a memory that meant a lot to us.

Recognizing that the guilt we feel is actually regret helps us to reframe the same memory with a recognition of what we wish we had done differently:

“I remember my mother made one of my favorite meals for my birthday and went all out to make it a special day. I was late so by the time I got home for dinner everything was cold. I wish I could have been there sooner.”

What emotion do you feel reading it now?

Reframing the memory this way does two things – it removes the false guilt, and it takes the shame and blame (“should”) and replaces it with “could” to identify what could have been done differently and focuses on what Mom did for me.  Using “could” also reminds us that we are not perfect and next time will hopefully do better.

Guilt can become baggage that takes on a life of its own.  It’s no surprise that someone coined the expression, “Going on a guilt trip,” because guilt never leaves until we set it down or throw it away.  It can take us on a never-ending ride on a self-made shame-train we can never get off.

If we have done something to hurt or harm someone else, then guilt is an appropriate feeling so we can make amends and let the guilt go.  If the situation we are feeling guilty about relates to a living person, then swallowing our pride and apologizing while also choosing to not repeat the same behavior will lead us out of guilt. This may need to happen more than one time especially if we have difficulty changing behavior.  If the person is not willing to forgive us, we need to let them have their feelings and choose not to forgive us.  We are not responsible for whether or not someone forgives us when we have sincerely apologized and made amends.  If we take on guilt because they have not forgiven us then we are making everything about us again, without recognizing that they may need time to process things.  Some hurts make it difficult for the other person to trust us again, so we may need to be intentional about living in such a way that trust can be re-built.

If the situation we are feeling guilty about relates to someone who has died, it can feel like we will never be free from guilt.  They are not here for us to apologize to or make amends to in person.  Writing them a letter of apology and amends may not seem like it is enough, yet if we sincerely mean our words, it can make a difference.  Reading the letter out loud to them at a gravesite or in front of their picture helps us to express what we have not expressed.  Making amends may mean we do something in their memory to help make up for the hurt, or it may mean we choose to change the way we have always done things, or it may mean living more purposefully to honor them as well as our own values.  Once we have apologized, the guilt may try to pack another bag for another guilt trip.  Yet you are the one who can prevent this from happening by reminding yourself that you apologized, you are making amends, and you do not need to feel guilty any longer.  It can take time to not feel the guilt, but if you use your mind to tell yourself the truth soon your feelings will follow and the guilt will have to leave.

If we struggle with false guilt (whether the person is living or has passed on) then we need to look at the situation and identify the regret:  what do I wish had been better?  What do I wish I could have done more about?  What do I wish I had done differently?  Once I identify the regret, that gives me an opportunity to consider how I might change things and/or myself moving forward.  Regret can be empowering to choose new pathways for myself in my relationships and life.