(originally written 2/16/09)

Sitting at my computer tonight listening to “Wide-eyed” by Nichole Nordeman, wondering the same thing she expresses in that song – if I had been there “back in the day” would I have sat listening to Jesus, and casually dismissed him as a fraud, or would I have been wide-eyed at the realization I was staring at the image of God? And how would that have changed me and impacted the ways I deal with woundedness?

I found myself revisiting old heart-pain today, wondering how much hurt does the body of Christ have to inflict upon each other (forget the world – we do it so well within our own circles) until the mountains cry out “no more!” Prayers to let these wounds from the past 2 years go didn’t seem to have a releasing effect. And introspection revealed I was working hard at denying the hurt that was still inside which, when someone or something barely touches it, causes the wound to gape open again; my heart bleeds out, and in a panic I try to bandage it back up. Maybe it just needs to bleed. Maybe tears just need to overcome me until I’m awash in a flood of liquid anguish.

There’s no answer. There’s no closure. Thank God for time because these feelings don’t come as often, but when they do, it’s too painful to write about even.

Dearest God you are the one true God… I want to sit wide-eyed and listen to you, hear your voice, experience your love, and not give a care of what the rest of “Christianity” does. I want to find myself staring at you and becoming overwhelmed with the truth of your power, amazed at your God-ness, filled with the power of your Spirit. Take this pain and turn it into something glorious that heals people for you. Take my broken bleeding heart and transform it into the most beautiful softness that looks like your love. Take my flood-producing tears and use them to flow living water into the lives of others.

And I will sit wide-eyed, amazed at you, the God-man, and fall in love with you all over again.