(originally written 9/4/11)

sitting here tonight processing how difficult it is to go to church.  when the bottom fell out of my life in 2007 it changed me forever and I can’t get back the “me” I was, and the love I used to have going to worship services.  I realize it’s not about people, it’s about God, but when the wounds are so deep and caused by people in church leadership and then circumstances become so intolerable and traumatizing with virtually no resources and you are alone so utterly beyond you ever thought you ever would be in your entire life…it changes you…it changes you on a cellular level I think.  Today I have more joy than I ever thought possible in my life…and yet still the ability to be fully immersed in a community of believers is virtually impossible to touch let alone step into.  It’s a different kind of loss, a different kind of grief, a different kind of trauma, and there is a smidgen of me that thinks back to the “old days” and misses it, and yet I wonder now if it was ever truly real, or if it was just a form of something that looked good and felt good but in reality wasn’t real at all, because if it was, then what happened never would have been tolerated, and shunning wouldn’t have been the norm, and unrighteousness would have been confronted instead of finding a scapegoat so it could continue on as if nothing happened.  I have healed so much since then….over these past 4-1/2 years…and yet still the sorrow comes in at times.  I’m so glad God is nothing like the pain or those involved…he has been with me holding me, helping me, redeeming my life in so many remarkable and miraculous ways.  It’s just this one thing that he has not healed yet.  so tonight processing all of this and a friend posts a song…which leads me to another song…and it’s Him reminding me that it’s His love – so so so much love – beyond anything I can or ever will fully understand or comprehend, and that is the reality, not people or memories or even the sorrow that goes so deep.  His love touches that sorrow, holds it gently in both of his hands, lovingly breathing more life and healing into it, and I am peaceful again…no need to process any more…all is well… I am still and quiet and his love is wrapped around me like a soft quilt made just for me, with everything that matters to me woven through it…oh how he loves me…oh how he loves us all… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps&feature=youtu.be