Reading “True North.”

I can’t believe how deep the nerves go that this book (and also “Inside Out” by Larry Crabb) is touching on inside my heart and mind.

Undesirable.

Dare I admit that is how I feel from time to time?

I often wonder whether God really wanted me to be married, and if I’m honest I do think I just took the first guy who wanted to marry me and went with it because up til then, as the girl in the book, I was not the kind of girl that guys showed an interest in (especially serious interest).

So I married him and he was overall a good guy, but if I’m honest I admit that I settled too.

Settled for being married, not settled for God’s best.

Looking back I think God’s best was for me to be single.

And here I am, single.

The past 15 years.

This year would have been my 29^th wedding anniversary.

Instead it’s the 15^th anniversary of my divorce.

And no one has showed interest in me as far as a relationship with a guy.

Most of the time I don’t feel undesirable – it’s not like something I think about or dwell on.  Most of the time I feel fulfilled and confident in being single.

But there are times when those thoughts do come to mind.

What’s wrong with me that I’m not good enough/pretty enough/whatever enough for a good Godly man to want to have a relationship?

That is when “undesirable” comes to mind.

It’s clearly an arrow from the enemy.

And I know that intellectually.  Even emotionally I am aware of it.

But one thing God keeps taking me back to is this.

HE desires me.

Perhaps I’m single because the God of Angel Armies wants me for HIS own.

And to be really honest about it, part of me can feel like “ok God that is great, but what about someone here with skin on to hold me when I’m hurting?  Or just do life with?”

Even there, writing it down in black and white, I acknowledge I have moments when He is not enough.  And it feels very sad to admit that.

Is it possible that my life (and actually all our lives) are really truly only about God and no one else, not even about me/us?

I do believe that is the case.

It’s not about me – it’s about whatever He wants – He created me – He has a purpose for me – He DESIRES me.

Being single truly does allow me to focus on Him in ways it was not (and would not) be possible to do in a relationship or marriage.  I know that.  (Altho perhaps it would be possible if the man was God-focused as well – have not experienced that to date.)

These are the thoughts rumbling around in my head and my heart tonight.

(written 9/14/13)